Swedish Snus Lord Moe Unz stopped at US border!

Published : 06/06/2017 20:44:32

On May 26th, legendary Swedish Snus Lord and Manager of the famous SnusCentral.com Snus Shop Moe Unz arrived at JFK Airport in NY from after an exhausting flight from Stockholm.

He was scheduled to switch planes to a US domestic flight heading to St. Louis for SnusCon 2017.  The reasons why he was stopped by US Customs and ultimately deported back to Sweden are in dispute.

Moe's version:  US Immigration Officials targeted me

First oSnusCon 2017 in St. Louisf all, I must state for the record that none of what transpired here was the fault of me, Moe Unz.

I was flying from Stockholm to St. Louis via New York to be the keynote speaker at SnusCon 2017, the first gathering of snus users, manufacturers, and VIP's like me, Moe Unz.

As I had enough frequent flyer points, I was able to upgrade to business class for the flight over from Sweden.  The food and especially the liquor is much better in business class which I took liberal advantage of.

I spent the flight regaling my fellow passengers with tales of my snus exploits and Swedish drinking songs!  The flight attendants kept looking at me oddly.  Perhaps they didn't understand Swedish although since this was an SAS flight, that seemed unlikely.

Moe Unz makes flying to SnusCon 2017At some point I fell asleep.  When I awoke, I found my hands zip-tied to my armrests.  There must have been very heavy turbulence while I was asleep!  How nice of the crew to make sure I was secure and safe in my seat.  I made a mental note to give SAS an excellent Yelp review.

When our plane arrived at the gate, a police escort came on board and escorted me off the plane.  Someone in the Swedish government must have alerted them an important VIP was on the plane.

I must have awed the other passengers as they avoided my gaze as I left the plane.  It was then I noticed the smell of vomit.  Some poor soul must have been flying for the first time.  Then I looked down and saw the vomit was all over my clothes and shoes.  That must have been some turbulence!  Good thing I drank enough to sleep through the whole thing!

I was taken to a special VIP waiting room; shortly my luggage arrived.  What great service by the airline and US Customs!  I made another mental note to write a nice review of US Customs on Yelp too.

To be honest, at this point I was having some difficulty making mental notes.  It is possible I drank too much and combined with the high altitude, I confess I may have been more drunk than usual.  A lot more drunk.

Someone was babbling about drunk and disorderly, interfering with a flight crew, and off-key singing when the Customs officer rifling through my bags let out a shout.

"Why do you have 100 cans of snus in your luggage?" he asked me, Moe Unz.

I replied simply "I will be in the United States for 3 days.  I know 100 cans is cutting it a little close, but I did not want to run out of snus before my return to Stockholm."

He did not seem satisfied with my answer.  Then he picked up a roll of Byron portion snus I had included. 

"These snus cans have the Cuban flag on sides.  Aliens are not permitted to bring Cuban products into the US."

I looked around wildly.  Where were the Aliens?  They abducted me 20 years ago and it was not a pleasant experience!

Suddenly, I was staring down the barrels of 3 pistols!  Wait; they thought I was an Alien???  My skin is not green and I am much too attractive to be a space creature.  Just then, I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirrored window.  OK, maybe I was a little on the green side but I was not only human, but a Swede!

Enough of this; I am a Swedish Snus Lord from the House of Unz.  I demanded to see my lawyer, an official from the Swedish Consulate, and the Secretary General of the United Nations.  There was going to be hell to pay, wait and see!

The insolent Customs official closed up my suitcase full of snus and started towards the door with it.  "Stop!", I yelled.  "Where are you taking my snus?"

"We are confiscating it until all this is worked out", he replied, and continued towards the door!

Everything happened very quickly at this point and is something of a blur.  I remember lunging for the suitcase, screaming I would die without my snus.  Then there was a struggle but I am a Snus Lord and fought bravely....until I saw the stun gun, a burst of pain, and then nothing.

Sometime later I awoke and found myself lying on my back.  My arms were strapped behind me and my shoes were gone.

The floor and walls of the room I awoke to were padded, obviously to soundproof the room.  I had been taken to a CIA Black Site; there could be no other answer!

I yelled and yelled for my snus and my freedom but to no avail.  What seemed like hours later, a door opened.  A man in a lab coat with a large syringe walked in.  They were going to torture me for snus secrets!

He injected something into my neck and I don't remember anything after that.

What Really Happened to Moe Unz

As best we can piece together from various sources who did not want to be identified or ever see him again, Moe's experience was slightly different then he remembered it. 

Moe Unz was scheduled to speak at SnusCon 2017, was flying SAS Business Class, and did take great advantage of the free food and alcohol...especially the alcohol.

Before long, Moe was extremely drunk and began acting inappropriately.  He engaged various passengers in conversation whether they wanted to speak with him or not.

Somewhere over the North Atlantic, he began loudly singing what are believed to be various drinking songs, some of them quite obscene.

The flight crew attempted to restrain him while the Captain called ahead for police to be waiting for the plane's arrival.  A group of passengers joined the flight crew and finally got Moe tied into his seat.  At this point, he vomited all over himself and anyone within a 10 foot radius before finally passing out.

Moe regained a semblance of wakefulness as the plane touched down at JFK Airport.  Police, TSA, and Customs officials entered as soon as the door opened, half-carrying the staggering Unz to a holding cell.

Discovering a large quantity of Swedish snus hidden in his luggage, a Customs officer suspected Moe was a tobacco smuggler.  Moe was confronted over the snus, especially a roll of Byron's.

Slurring badly in Swedish and English, Moe claimed to the disbelief of the Customs Officer that 100 cans of snus for 4 days personal use was perfectly normal.

Customs confiscated the snus which sent the disoriented Moe Unz into a nicotine-deprived panic.  He yelled something about dying or killing himself over the snus and lunged for the suitcase.  Unz was quickly subdued.

Since he had said something that sounded to be about death or suicide, his belt and shoelaces were removed and Moe was transported to Bellevue Hospital on a 72-hour psychiatric hold.

By this time, the SnusCon organizers realized Moe had never arrived in St. Louis.  The powerful Unz Swedish snus dynasty was quickly mobilized.  Attorneys from the NY office of the Unz family's law firm along with representatives of the US State Department negotiated Moe's release and deportation with US Homeland Security.

Moe was transported by Swedish cargo ship (locked in the hold) for the 10-day journey to Gothenburg.  He was met by Lidköping police and taken back home to Castle Unz.

The 100 cans of premium Swedish snus including the infamous roll of Byron's portion was never seen again.

Snus Trip to Nowhere

I, Moe Unz, remember the end of this journey quite differently; I traveled back to Sweden in a Swedish warship and was given the Captain's cabin for my use.

A limousine and police honor escort awaited me in Gothenburg.  I arrived to cheers back at Castle Unz.

One sad fact is true:  my 100 cans of travel snus was never returned to me.  Fortunately, the family snus chiller at Castle Unz was well-stocked.

Fear not; I will be attending SnusCon 2018 as the keynote speaker.  That is, if our lawyers can get me off the US No-Fly list by then.  Maybe if I write a nice Yelp review of the experience, it will help?

MOE UNZ
Legendary Swedish Snus Lord and Manager;
The Snus Shop at SnusCentral.com

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View all comments (4)

Jay


07/31/2017 07:08:10

That's amazing haha...but I'm still going to buy Snus from the "Snus Lord" ;-)

Single Malt


07/14/2017 00:55:07

Is this the "Fake News" Donald Trump keeps talking about ?! ?! :DDDD

Answer from Moe:  "I am Swedish.  We don't know what this 'fake news' thing is over here.  As to the veracity of this story, there is a disagreement between me, Moe Unz, and the US government as to the course of events BUT the events themselves did happen to me, Moe Unz.  I certainly am not 'fake news'; I am a legendary Swedish Snus Lord!" 8-)

bakerbarber


06/20/2017 01:27:41

Moe is the man!Thankfully this didn't cause an international, or intergalactic, incident.

AKcamo


06/19/2017 23:18:19

You can't make this stuff up!

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